The Chase for Beauty

It all comes back to me now.
The tears that were shed,
The headaches and broken hearts,
Minds in a daze
A bunch of complex parts.

The wishing and longing,
For the deceased party,
Not to leave all of us
At least be present
Somehow at special occasions.

Healing and time has occurred,
Though it took years to happen.
Reality slowly set in,
Until we realized
You’ll always be […]

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Hello,
I’m writing to you from the little known town of Ridgway, Pennsylvania. When I was thirteen years old, I lost my older and only brother to a fatal drug overdose. In towns like these, drug abuse is rampant. I think when most people think of the word “drugs”, they think of big […]

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I never took down my Christmas lights from last year.

I left a single strand across the top of the cabinets in my kitchen and lit them every time my heart sank and I felt the need to lift my spirits. In the last 12 months, that ended up being quite often.

I didn’t have a chance to take down the holiday decorations right away. A week after the New Year began, my 36-year-old brother, Don, unexpectedly showed up at my house on a Saturday morning to take me for a ride in his new car. We didn’t go anywhere special, but the time we spent together that day is a memory I will cherish.

The following Tuesday, after an ordinary day at work, Don collapsed at home from cardiac arrest.

When he reached the emergency room, his heart was shocked seven times and CPR was performed for 15 minutes before a heartbeat was obtained. I have been haunted all year by the unforgettable image of the helicopter he was transported in as it came in to land on the hospital roof that cold, rainy, miserable night. When a young neurologist prepared us that all hope may be lost, I suggested that perhaps we could still pray for a miracle. She shrugged at the notion and half-heartedly replied, “You can if you want to.”

Two days later, my brother woke up.

And so in the dead of winter, my family and I spent 50 days and nights stuck in a hospital purgatory where waiting for an outcome and praying for a miracle are the only diversions to critical situations. In the close quarters, you can often hear others calling out the name of their loved one or praying for God’s mercy to end their suffering.

One night, while sleeping on a chair in the critical-care waiting room, I was startled by a stranger in the middle of the night who came into the room to retrieve something. Realizing that he frightened me, the only words exchanged came from his whisper, “Have hope,” then reiterating as he squeezed my hand, “have hope.”

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